Being away is hard

Being away from home is hard. I used to really enjoy my time away because it was "me" time. I always talked to my wife while I was gone but it sometimes seemed like a chore. Now I can't wait to talk to my wife and I can't wait to see my wife. She and my mother are coming up to visit me on Friday and we're going to have a weekend in San Francisco to hang out and spend time together.

I've been trying to bond and spend time with my group while I'm up here training for work. I've still been praying and doing my reading but I haven't really had the time to get on my blog. Ideas come to me while I'm reading but I do my reading right before I go to bed and I haven't been putting these ideas into my blog. In order to get on my blog I have to set up my computer, plug into the internet and then go through the hotel log in process to get online. What a bunch of excuses. My wife reminded me tonight that if it is truly important you will make time for it. I know I need to be getting my sleep so that I can do well in our training classes and do well on our tests. I have a lot going on right now but I need to make time. If that means that I don't go out to dinner with my group then so be it. My spiritual journey and my marriage are far more important.

Typically when you're away from home its easy to fall into the temptation of doing whatever you want. This blog is part of my accountability.

I want nothing more than to be a Godly example to my wife and my family. Like I said... I have been going out with a lot of people from work and I'm starting to notice a lot of things that normally wouldn't have phased me before. Its interesting to watch how people are. Most of the people from work drink (which I no longer do) and I can see the changes in people after just one drink. I also notice the cursing, the types of stories they tell and the way that the guys look at women. These all used to be things that I probably would have done without giving it a second thought. I used to think that I was a good example to those around me but as I see these things I realize that I probably wasn't as good of an example as I should have been.

No one ever would have considered me the "straight edge guy." Typically that has a negative connotation. The "straight edge guy" is the one that doesn't do any of the "bad" stuff but also isn't really any fun. I guess you could call him the stiff. I'm noticing that I can now be that "straight edge guy" but still be fun. My group has even told me that they didn't think I would be any fun because I don't drink and I'm not the party guy. We all still have a great time. You don't have to do any of those things to have fun. I'm learning that I now find enjoyment in all sorts of things that I never used to. My whole perspective on things has changed. I have fun talking to my wife on the phone, shopping with her or just hanging out playing games. These all used to be things that could at times be a chore.

I think once you make these big changes in your life you begin to enjoy all new things. I also think that all these new things are the true enjoyments in life. When you go out to a bar and drink and have a ton of laughs with your friends its fleeting. When I sit around and play games with my wife we bond and that bond continues to grow. I'm not really sure how to say what I know that I'm now focusing on the important things in life that build relationships and make life so much better.

I went into San Francisco yesterday and for the first time I really looked at all the building, the streets and the water and truly enjoyed everything. It just seems to me that I'm focusing more on the little things in life rather than trying to get that momentary satisfaction that I used to find through other things like porn and drinking. I see the people drinking to get drunk and chasing the women and it all seems so pointless.

I was in San Francisco today and I went to the mall. I went into a store that sells baby clothing and I spent 15 minutes looking through the clothes smiling just thinking about what my baby would look like in them. It was true joy that I felt. I hadn't felt that in a long time before all these changes happened. After that I went to another store and went searching for something that I knew my wife would like. It took me a while. I know most men loath going shopping for a present for their wives (or for anyone for that matter). I had a blast. I starting thinking about things she would enjoy and I had a great time. I finally found something just right so that I could have a small gift for her when she gets here on Friday just so she would know that I was thinking about her. I then walked to dinner and took the BART back to Oakland carrying around a pink bag with her present in it and it didn't even phase me. I knew it was a present for my wife and I was proud of it.

A guy that I work with is very into cars and possessions and he and I were out at Barnes and Noble this week. He was talking about cool things that he owned and he asked me what I owned had the most meaning to me. I thought about it for a minute because I knew he was looking for an answer about some material object, something cool. I thought about all the things I had and I realized that I didn't care about any of them. So in response I showed him my wedding ring, my necklace and my pewter heart trinket (which I carry everywhere in my pocket). He asked why and I explained it to him. My wedding ring is my constant reminder of the wonderful wife I have waiting for me at home. The necklace was given to me by my mom the morning of her surgery six years ago when I wasn't sure if my mom was going to be with me through the rest of the year. And the heart trinket is my constant reminder of the journey that I'm on pursuing God and working to be the best man, husband, father and friend that I can be. None of these items in and of themselves are expensive or even hard to replace but what they represent are completely priceless and irreplaceable to me.