Weekend

So you come to a point in your life where you realize that your time is not your own and your decisions are no longer your own. I think I really hit this point this weekend. I spent my weekend going to the in-laws, doing laundry, cleaning up, assembling a rocking chair and a shelving unit. My wife was working all weekend so she was either at work or sleeping while I was doing most of this.

I did go to the golf shop and look at new golf clubs; this usually would have ended up with me getting new golf clubs because its been a really long time and I could really use new ones. The whole time I was looking at them I was thinking of all the other things I could do with that money, especially with a new baby on the way. I think its just a total mindset change. As much as I would love to get my new clubs I just can't justify it. I know my mom passed up a lot of things when I was growing up so that she could look after the things I "needed." I hope I can do as good of a job as she did.

Its not just at home. Even at work. The way I talk and the decisions I make impact lots of things. I want my attitude, my speech and everything I do to glorify God. I want people to see something different in me.

I found myself getting frustrated this weekend after several nights of not sleeping well. Friday night my wife kept me up most of the night. She gets up every couple hours to pee, plus she had a sore throat so she needed medicine and water a couple times and then when she was sleeping she was snoring like a freight train. So needless to say I didn't really sleep. I starting thinking to myself how silly it was that I was frustrated and I really had absolutely no reason to be. I used to have a pretty bad temper and nothing really made me happy. I guess I still fall back into that every once in a while but its getting to be less and less. I know I still have a lot of work to do but I'm glad that there is progress.

So this is technically the first Mother's Day for my wife, since she's 21 weeks pregnant, but she had to work. So next weekend we're going to spend a night in a nice hotel and go to Sunday brunch in the morning. Its only a couple miles away but it will still be like a little vacation. I know it will make her happy and that in turn makes me happy. It used to be that if something wasn't what I wanted then it did nothing for me. Now I'm seeing that doing things for other people, especially family, is what gives me the most enjoyment. It isn't the actual activity that is done but its the knowing that it makes them happy.

I don't know if much of this makes sense but its how I see things.

Still going

So... I'm back home and working away. My new job is going well. It's nice to be home from training. Coming home was great. I love getting to see my wife every day. Staying away from sexual impurity has been the best thing I've ever done for my marriage.

I wish I could explain what it does when you focus on God and keep your mind from wondering to the things that you used to. Men focus on women. Men fantasize about women. Its how it is right? Its just how we're hard wired right? Those are just attempts at justifying our weak will. We were put here on Earth by God to do His will. Part of that is to honor the wives He has blessed us with. That means that our hearts, minds, words and actions should please her. What wife out there would honestly say that it is pleasing to her to have us fantasize about another women?

I finished reading "Every Women's Desire" while I was up in Oakland. Every husband should read it.

Just thinking

I was just sitting in my hotel room thinking how I was homesick to see my wife. I realized that this probably never would have happened before a couple months ago. I have always been self sufficient and never needed anyone. I remember getting homesick at summer camp as a kid but that was the last time.

Its not that I can't function without my wife but I enjoy our time together and I miss it. I love the time that we spend just hanging out, playing games or going out. It doesn't matter what we do I enjoy the time together.

I was also thinking that I definitely was in no place to be a father several months ago. My wife and I were talking the other night and we both agreed that we made our marriage look good on the outside but it definitely wasn't a great marriage. We were both looking out for number one. I wasn't happy because I wasn't getting what I wanted (emphasis on "I"). I have finally realized through reading and praying that I can't be focused on what it is that I want. Once I started to appreciate my wife and serve my wife I finally started to see that it became easier for her to give me the things I wanted. Basically I wasn't treating the marriage the way God designed it and both of us were suffering for it. I can't even imagine bringing a child into that environment. I can support and serve my wife because it brings me joy. I enjoy thinking about her and doing things for her because we grow closer together each time I do. That means that we both start to mutually serve the needs of the other. When everyone's needs are being met then everyone is a happier person. This doesn't mean that there aren't going to be hangups but it means that we can work through them better than we had in the past.

I've found myself turning to prayer for everything. I know who's in control. God is. I know that I have to raise my concerns to Him because he is the only one with ultimate control. Its my job to take care of my wife and treat her as my "ewe lamb."

I wish everyone would come to this realization. Life would be so much better if that were the case.

If you haven't read this book pick it up. Its for the men but the further I get into it the more I think its for everyone.

Great Weekend

I just spent the best weekend with my mom and my wife. It was way too short but it is the best time that I have had with family in a long time. I think that with all the changes in my life lately I have come to enjoy time with my family much more than I ever have in the past.

It's extremely hard to be gone but I have to do it for work. My wife and I were talking about how everyone else in my group is getting through it all and she was kind of shocked when I answered her. I told her that most of the people I am here with view this as a "break" or a "vacation" from their families. I had to tell her that I probably would have felt the same way several months ago. It's really sad to think that I would have desired a "break" away from my wife. With my new outlook on things I really need to be around my wife. We are one and my walk with God is strengthened by time with my wife. We were made to be together and it is hard to be away from her. This doesn't mean that I don't desire time to myself or that I don't need it. It is just difficult to do these prolonged trips away from her. I know when I go home I will still take time to go out with the guys or go play golf but I know that I will be going home to her and I will be going home to her with a clear conscious and I can go home and continue to build our relationship and our relationship with God.

I guess this blog has somewhat turned its focus from being completely about sexual impurity and moved towards strengthening my marriage. I don't think I have turned from talking about the sexual impurity but I am looking to show what happens in life and marriage once sexual impurity is gone. Its amazing the changes that have happened in such a short amount of time and I hope that people can read this and see what is possible. Once you focus on God and decide that you are going to go into things wholeheartedly anything is possible and amazing things happen.

Being away is hard

Being away from home is hard. I used to really enjoy my time away because it was "me" time. I always talked to my wife while I was gone but it sometimes seemed like a chore. Now I can't wait to talk to my wife and I can't wait to see my wife. She and my mother are coming up to visit me on Friday and we're going to have a weekend in San Francisco to hang out and spend time together.

I've been trying to bond and spend time with my group while I'm up here training for work. I've still been praying and doing my reading but I haven't really had the time to get on my blog. Ideas come to me while I'm reading but I do my reading right before I go to bed and I haven't been putting these ideas into my blog. In order to get on my blog I have to set up my computer, plug into the internet and then go through the hotel log in process to get online. What a bunch of excuses. My wife reminded me tonight that if it is truly important you will make time for it. I know I need to be getting my sleep so that I can do well in our training classes and do well on our tests. I have a lot going on right now but I need to make time. If that means that I don't go out to dinner with my group then so be it. My spiritual journey and my marriage are far more important.

Typically when you're away from home its easy to fall into the temptation of doing whatever you want. This blog is part of my accountability.

I want nothing more than to be a Godly example to my wife and my family. Like I said... I have been going out with a lot of people from work and I'm starting to notice a lot of things that normally wouldn't have phased me before. Its interesting to watch how people are. Most of the people from work drink (which I no longer do) and I can see the changes in people after just one drink. I also notice the cursing, the types of stories they tell and the way that the guys look at women. These all used to be things that I probably would have done without giving it a second thought. I used to think that I was a good example to those around me but as I see these things I realize that I probably wasn't as good of an example as I should have been.

No one ever would have considered me the "straight edge guy." Typically that has a negative connotation. The "straight edge guy" is the one that doesn't do any of the "bad" stuff but also isn't really any fun. I guess you could call him the stiff. I'm noticing that I can now be that "straight edge guy" but still be fun. My group has even told me that they didn't think I would be any fun because I don't drink and I'm not the party guy. We all still have a great time. You don't have to do any of those things to have fun. I'm learning that I now find enjoyment in all sorts of things that I never used to. My whole perspective on things has changed. I have fun talking to my wife on the phone, shopping with her or just hanging out playing games. These all used to be things that could at times be a chore.

I think once you make these big changes in your life you begin to enjoy all new things. I also think that all these new things are the true enjoyments in life. When you go out to a bar and drink and have a ton of laughs with your friends its fleeting. When I sit around and play games with my wife we bond and that bond continues to grow. I'm not really sure how to say what I know that I'm now focusing on the important things in life that build relationships and make life so much better.

I went into San Francisco yesterday and for the first time I really looked at all the building, the streets and the water and truly enjoyed everything. It just seems to me that I'm focusing more on the little things in life rather than trying to get that momentary satisfaction that I used to find through other things like porn and drinking. I see the people drinking to get drunk and chasing the women and it all seems so pointless.

I was in San Francisco today and I went to the mall. I went into a store that sells baby clothing and I spent 15 minutes looking through the clothes smiling just thinking about what my baby would look like in them. It was true joy that I felt. I hadn't felt that in a long time before all these changes happened. After that I went to another store and went searching for something that I knew my wife would like. It took me a while. I know most men loath going shopping for a present for their wives (or for anyone for that matter). I had a blast. I starting thinking about things she would enjoy and I had a great time. I finally found something just right so that I could have a small gift for her when she gets here on Friday just so she would know that I was thinking about her. I then walked to dinner and took the BART back to Oakland carrying around a pink bag with her present in it and it didn't even phase me. I knew it was a present for my wife and I was proud of it.

A guy that I work with is very into cars and possessions and he and I were out at Barnes and Noble this week. He was talking about cool things that he owned and he asked me what I owned had the most meaning to me. I thought about it for a minute because I knew he was looking for an answer about some material object, something cool. I thought about all the things I had and I realized that I didn't care about any of them. So in response I showed him my wedding ring, my necklace and my pewter heart trinket (which I carry everywhere in my pocket). He asked why and I explained it to him. My wedding ring is my constant reminder of the wonderful wife I have waiting for me at home. The necklace was given to me by my mom the morning of her surgery six years ago when I wasn't sure if my mom was going to be with me through the rest of the year. And the heart trinket is my constant reminder of the journey that I'm on pursuing God and working to be the best man, husband, father and friend that I can be. None of these items in and of themselves are expensive or even hard to replace but what they represent are completely priceless and irreplaceable to me.

Sexual Impurity as a Habit... and what happens when you break the habit

Well I should be going to bed right now because I have work tomorrow and then I'm flying to Oakland for business for just over 4 weeks. I just finished packing and I was taking a shower before bed and I started thinking.

Let me explain what I mean by "Sexual Impurity as a Habit." We all know about sexual addiction and I'm sure a lot of men would only think they had a detrimental sexual problem if they were a sexual addict. The nice thing about sexual addiction is that there are programs and many support groups for the problem.

Now what if you look at porn sometimes? What if you wonder what that woman at work looks like naked? What if you fantasize about the girls on TV or in the movies? Does this make you a sexual addict? Probably not. Typically a true addiction has to be detrimental to your daily life and is typically an escalating problem. You hurt those closest to you just to get your fix. So you go through life figuring you don't have a problem because "every man does it" and "its just how we're programmed."

I know I grew up thinking that porn was just a natural thing. My grandfather looked at magazines and my uncle had the late night movie channels and a computer. Not to mention all the fathers and older brothers of other kids I grew up with who had magazines and movies that we would sneak a peek at. As I got older, and the internet became so widely used, I started looking at porn on the internet. It was quick, free and easy. I didn't look at it all the time, just a couple times a week when that "natural" urge hit me. I would go online, take care of my business, and get back to watching TV or head in to bed. It was a habit. When I had that biological need to have a sexual release I would look at the porn for a couple minutes, take care of it, and move on. I wasn't out paying for sex or spending money on pay sites. So does it warrant a 12 step program because I'm so deep in it that I can't get out on my own? Of course not.

So what did I need to do to break the habit? Well I had to understand why I needed to break it in the first place. Every time I was looking at those women I was fantasizing about them and as far as God is concerned that is just as bad as cheating on my wife. I was cheating my wife out of all of my love and affection. Once I saw things in that light I was appalled. I knew I needed to change immediately. My wife deserved better from me. She used to "nag" me about how I didn't tell her she was beautiful or let her know how much I needed her. I didn't need to tell the girls on the web that they were beautiful. I used to just think she was being insecure and needy. Or was it that my behavior wasn't meeting her needs? I realized that it is my job as a husband to give her security and to tend to her needs.

Once I quit turning to porn to satisfy that need I was left with only one option... my wife. What a novel idea! I had to rely on my wife to take care of my sexual needs?! Now isn't that what God intended when we were created?

So the big revelation... Once I relied on my wife like God intended, I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was. She is beautiful. I have always thought she was beautiful. My wife is a gorgeous woman and now she is a gorgeous woman that is carrying my child. When my wife walks in the room I can't take my eyes off of her. When we're in bed I actually cuddle with her. I can't get enough of her. I also remind her of how much I need her. I make sure every day that she knows how much I love her and I've seen her blossom into a much more confident person because of it. I'm now giving her the support I should be as her husband. Does it mean that she came around right away? No. It took time. She thought maybe I was just being sweet to make her happy. Now that its been a little while she sees (at least I think she does) that I've changed. Things are completely different now.

So if you think that this habit isn't a big deal you're completely wrong. This habit is killing your marriage and you need to break it. You need to break the habit not only to be a Godly man but also to be the husband God called you to be.

It takes all you have

I just started reading this book and I think it's great. It's divided into three different sections. It really hits hard on my feelings about how things happen. I had been running through life focusing on ME and MY ideas. I was married and had great family but didn't really appreciate any of it. When I got my DUI and realized that I was on the cusp of losing all that really mattered I realized that I had to give up all of my control and focus on God. You can't make any real substantial change in your life without devoting every effort to it. And you certainly can't make any meaningful change in your life without having God at the focal point. We're still working through the DUI, the chew (tobacco) and the porn but I now have a ton of support and I rely on God to get me through. People who don't know about the DUI and how rocky my marriage was have told me that I have completely changed. It's only been 5 weeks but I couldn't have done any of it on my own. I'm running full steam ahead after a life focused on God. I hope that I can do good enough of a job to be an example to my child that is due in 7 months.

Prayer Requests

If anyone who reads this has any prayer requests feel free to post them by commenting on this post or by commenting on any of the posts. I know from personal experience that the folks reading this blog are part of one extremely powerful prayer group. I wouldn't be writing this blog if it weren't for them.

Prayer Request Received:

Pray for Karen who is having surgery tomorrow on her TWO broken legs. She broke her legs in a skiing accident last week and has surgery and a long road to recovery ahead of her.

Can't do it on your own

I am so far from perfect it isn't even funny. There have been a lot of changes in my life lately and I can't take credit for any of them. I take that back, I can take credit for one. I gave up control to God.

My marriage was on the rocks. It seems like ever since we got married my wife and I have fought about the dumbest things and our intimate life was almost non-existent. Being newly married is stressful in and of itself. Within a couple months of our marriage I had lost my job. This was in October of 2008. The market was the worst it had been in decades (and its still just as bad). In order to get more experience on my resume I took an internship 8 hours away from our home. This meant spending lots of time away from my wife. This just added to the stress and the fighting. Both of us were selfish and just wanted OUR time and we wanted everything to work out the way WE wanted it to. Not only were we selfish but OUR goals didn't even match.

How on earth were we going to make our marriage work? WE weren't. Period.

There was no way that my wife and I were going to make our marriage work out. God was the only way. We both had to surrender control and let God take charge of our lives. Sound easy? Yeah right. We're still a work in progress but it hasn't been that long and I can honestly say that our lives are night and day from what they used to be. In the last 5 weeks everything has changed. And did I mention, 2 weeks after we started to change we found out that my wife was almost 7 weeks pregnant.

I'm not saying everything is perfect now but it is so much better than it was. This started out as a unilateral change and has turned into a complete transformation. Just as in the movie Fireproof, I started changing and had to prove I was different before my wife started to come around. I couldn't display true love until I knew exactly what it was. That meant serving my wife even when she was being mean to me and wasn't happy with me. It meant smiling and biting my tongue when I wanted to snap back. It meant apologizing for all of my shortcomings (of which there were/are many).

It means loving unconditionally just as God loves us.

We say and do hurtful things. A lot of people are what I like to think of as "Christians of Convenience" meaning that they are only Christians when it suits them to be. This may be just on Sundays or just when they are praying around the dinner table, but when they get to work they're just another one of the guys. When they fight with their wife they're just another frustrated husband. When they go out with there friends they act no different then they used to. If you really want to be a truly Godly man you have to rise above this. Its probably going to take being knocked down a couple notches. I know I had to rethink everything I thought about myself and those around me. I had to be completely humbled before I understood any of this.

Everything is a battle but if you follow God and turn to Him in both the good times and the bad you will reap the rewards. Let go of control and realize that YOUR vision for your life probably isn't God's vision for your life. Did I ever think I would be living in a 650 square foot, one bedroom condo when I found out my wife was pregnant? NO WAY. I thought I would be living in the area I grew up in, with a nice house and a great job when I finally was married and having a kid. Reality... I just started a new job, my wife was put on bed rest as soon as we found out she was pregnant, we have credit card debt and housing is so expensive where we live I'm not sure how long it will be before we can get a place of our own. And I couldn't be happier. Things may not be easy but I finally know what is it to truly love and since I gave up control to God I couldn't be happier.

On a lighter note:

I'm pretty sure the only people who are actually reading my blog are my family and friends of my mother's. I appreciate all the support I have been getting from everyone. Feel free to follow the blog by clicking on the link. That way it will actually make it look like people are reading this.

More things that help

Fireproof spoke to me like no movie ever has. I was spending my time focusing on me and looking at porn instead of taking care of and relying on my wife. I had a short fuse and would snap at lots of insignificant things. Now my wife and I are also doing the daily devotional based on the "Love Dare" from the movie. It has been awesome.

Busy Week

Its been a couple days since I have posted anything but I have been thinking about things. I have had a really busy week at my new job and I will be posting this weekend. I'm leaving Tuesday for a business trip and will be gone for just over 4 weeks. I plan on blogging a lot while I'm gone as I will be thinking about a lot and missing my wife very much.

Happy Valentine's Day

I just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Valentine's Day. This is my first Valentine's Day since the dramatic changes in my life. For the first time in my life I feel like I really understand what true love is. I'm not just talking about the love I have for my wife but also the love that I have for my family and for God. I'm learning that as I relinquish control, and become a servant to my wife, we are growing closer together than we have ever been. We still have a ton of work to do but it actually feels as though we are now partners and no longer two individuals trying to get through life.

Anyone looking at this blog will notice that I have some adds on here. I don't know much about blogging, and I know that adds can sometimes be annoying, but for the most part the adds I will be putting on here are going to be links to books or other things that I have found to be important to me and things that I will be mentioning in my blogging.

The two books that I listed below have made a dramatic impact on my life. "Every Man's Battle" was the first of the two that I read and it has changed my life. Because of this book I now look at my wife in a way I never knew existed. I no longer want all my time to myself. I now desire to be with her and spend time with her as much as I possibly can. I never tire of watching her and doing things for her.

Most men out there look at a beautiful woman when she walks in the door of a restaurant or when you're walking around the mall. You may also spend a little too much time looking at the scantly clad women on the covers of the magazines at the grocery store. Maybe you spend a little bit of time on pornographic websites. These things may seem small and insignificant. After all, ALL men do it, right? You probably won't believe me when I say this but you will never understand how detrimental that is to your marriage until you stop lusting over other women completely. Read "Every Man's Battle" and you will understand.

As this blog continues I will get into more specifics about my journey and my revelations. I hope more men will also contribute so that we can help each other become the men He called us to be.

Books that will help every man

First Post

Let me start by saying that I don't know much of anything about blogging but my life has changed dramatically this year and I have a lot I want to talk about and share. I promise that I will start learning about the blogging process and hopefully we will end up with a lot of people contributing, learning and changing for the better.

This blog will be faith based and primarily for men, although I would encourage women to read it to better understand our issues (or at least the ones we're going to focus on here). The main issue I want this blog to focus on is sexual impurity. I recently read "Every Man's Battle" and it changed my life. I hope that discussing the issue of sexual impurity and other bad habits with other people will enable us to make a positive change in the lives of those here.

Please keep in mind that I am not a writer, an English major or even much of a reader until recently. I feel that I was slammed with the truth that I was no longer following His path and my life, relationships and most importantly my eternal soul were suffering the consequences. I also feel as though through my recent changes I was called to write and help others. Eventually I want to create a full website and I want to write a book. I'm sure it will take time for people to start visiting this blog so I will be using it as a place to start writing ideas for my book.

Thank you to all who visit and I hope that my story and the stories of other people who chose to contribute will find their way to your heart and help you become the man, husband, son, father and friend that God has called you to be.